The Corona Virus Sleepwalk

I know, its been A WHILE! I am okay, have no virus but a seething depression that can’t be fixed by anything I’ve tried. Tulsi (my squirrel) is fine, he is always so hungry in the morning. I recall when I first had him here as a baby, he would TWEET! loud enough for me to get him some food. Now he just waits, he knows I will bring food.

I have just watched the news, slowly going unsane. What has happened to this country? No going out to eat, no movies, no theme parks, nothing. We are to stay at home, stay away from everyone, wear a mask and just hope. Now I have lived on hope a very long time but my patience is growing so thin. I am so tired of hearing COVID COVID COVID. I have not even met 1 person who had it or overcame it, I dunno. I duly wear my mask everywhere, what will happen in summer?

My world is Depression, so many layers for so many wrongs, I would drown if I didn’t keep swimming and not looking back. Doesn’t that action catch up with you eventually? I am supposed to look ahead and not think, don’t think. But let me tell you, the nights I cannot sleep it comes. The memories, flashbacks, terror, I get it all. Even taking 3 meds for sleep! The past puts its scaly cold fingers in my brain and there it is, I am the same lady who fell asleep on the psycho ward floor being overmedicated. I don’t feel any better although somehow I know I am.

So to all of you: Stay Safe, wash those masks and I promise I will be back. Next month is my Birthday, now I make up for all those lost years. I am 59, WOW I made it this far. Take a bow!

Almost Fall

The leaves begin to fall….

Are you ready for fall and winter? The world may stay still but there always will be weather. I am so not ready for winter. I recall once in Colorado I went outside with my hair wrapped in a thick hat and it all froze, all though it was almost dried. And I found out the hard way, you break frozen ice off your hair, it breaks your hair…ugh.

I have spent summer in a daze, I wear my mask when I go out but I want to tear it from my face and cry, it is such a pain. I am also avoiding the news, because of what truth does it whisper? I am so quiet now. There is no one to talk to, but it becomes hard to talk…how do you form words from nothingness? I have the horribleness of recalling jehovah wittness songs screaming in my head, like ten at a time. After 30 years this does not seem fair, why do I need that in my head?

People I talk to are all confused, what does Covid have your senses, too? I am not doing do well, I had 1 session via camera with my therapist in 6 months and another one next week. Depression rears its horrible head and I silently scream back. I just don’t know how things will be in a couple of months…it has to be better, eh?

My Summer Thus Far

Yes it is me. Crawling out from being frozen, the old deer in the headlight thing. For 2 months I have not left the house. My husband does all the shopping and errand running. I am scared of this virus. I am just not a young thing who can let all sicknesses run off of me. And to read the news…I let myself read 1 news report a day because they are all bad. I have been shopping for stuff for Tulsi, planting jungle plants and buying stuff just ‘cuz. That I need to stop. I had no birthday, no Mother’s Day (yes I consider my animals my kids). I have been buying face masks, to get myself ready for that 1 day where I will taste the sunshine.

No therapy in months. My therapist has children and watches them so I doubt she will be coming back for a while. And she hasn’t called me either, which I asked her to do. Time to look for another? But everyone is hiding under their own protective blankets and don’t dare to look out. Now that I understand. My burned foot has not yet completely healed and that has been a year. Oh I don’t think my woes are any worse that anyone else’s. I am just wrapped up in fear. Of the unknown, of the known, of all of it. So I stay home and look outside the windows. Its pretty like that, everything is in bloom. I just am not even budding myself, I carry winter’s cold and fear like a second skin . Now I have NEVER been helpless, but also have never faced a pandemic before. Its made me realize I want to live not die. Not yet at all. So I am facing a lot of things. Bear with me, we shall get through this.

My Summer

“How to be strong. There are no rules. You are already strong. Even when you are crying. Even when you are at your lowest point. Even when you are falling apart. Your strength is in your survival. Your strength is in you always. And besides, didn’t anyone ever tell you that strength looks so different on us all?”-Nikita Gill

Four months ago my Patagonian Cavy stepped backwards and impaled my foot, leaving two holes in it. I waited four months for it to get better then finally went to see a Doctor who gave me antibiotics for a week. Right after that I badly burned the same foot at the same place and I have been limping around, can’t wear shoes and just hating life. So that is my summer, how has yours been? Has to be better, eh?

Therapy is going, I see her every two weeks and she is getting my history. Which takes some time the ins and outs of me. We are to the Cult part and haven’t gotten into my hospitalizations or abuse as an adult. I loathe to get into that, but how else will she know me? This starting over is so slow, baby steps all the time. When I need to run, I am crippled and mince along. I am also trying to work out my patience (never great). I finished the squirrel room and it looks good. Tulsi is happy so I am. I am terrified by the news, everything is so bad everywhere. I just avoid it. I can’t change this world or I would have long ago. Just want you to know I haven’t forgotten you and I will be back and with topics. If anyone wants anything explained or talked about, please leave it in the comments and I will listen. This I promise.

Still I WAIT!

Again I thought I had an appt. for tomorrow and called to check as I am always getting it wrong. They told me my therapist never comes in on Fridays, and I told them someone made my appt. So I wait until next month, this waiting is making me unsane. I need to work on the squirrel room, I decided to make it like Indonesia and ordered all kinds of stuff from there and Thailand. It just takes so long to get here. So I wait.

I think part of my problem is time and how it moves. When I was a child there were no birthdays and 1 clock and 1 calendar which they kept away. I never knew how old I was when stuff happened. Now I tell myself my age and I can hardly believe it, it just seems like there are such BIG skips in my memory. I know a few years but so many are missing. And I did no drugs to claim that as the reason. So when they tell me next month….What is Next Month About? When does it come here? Will I know or will it creep up besides me and bite me so ignorant of its ways.

I never know what time it is. I get up and get busy and then its the afternoon and how did it happen? Did anyone see it come and the morning gone? My therapist thinks I am dissociating to not deal with my environment. But I have always been this way, my sister could never tell time at all. Does anyone else have this very basic but rage inducing challenge?

Along The Way

I have been so quiet the last few weeks/months. I am still here, just not so much ME. My meds Doctor put me on my 3rd anti-depressant, I feel like I am Walgreen’s. This one does not make me fall down, it makes me so sleepy. I wake up 2 hours late and behind in everything. I have to feed Tulsi, get the cavies up, so many things I am forever behind. How long do you give a medicine an I tried it, I hated it mark? At least I am no longer anxious, I am numb. Is numb better? I recall the stress of last year, the fall that really changed my life and getting my squirrel. All sealed and kept away from any emotions, for that is how I deal.

I went to a new place to eat with my husband which is an okay thing usually. Hours later, I could hardly open my mouth, my jaw hurt so much. It took me additional hours to figure out how I was feeling. That I didn’t like the place, there was something very strange about the whole experience. Figuring it out (many hours later) made my jaw not hurt but I was exhausted by the whole thing. How do people out there call their life a success? How do they do anything? I wish I had a clue, but I don’t. My new therapist cancelled and I was so relieved, that I escaped her capture this time. After all those months of not finding help I feel that! But we get so used to ourselves, it becomes our life and not coping becomes a skill set. I want too break free of all that, I want some peace and serenity. I have wanted that for years. Will I only find it when I die? This I wonder too, how many years of being me am I in for. Do you wonder the same? What helps? All I know is how to distract myself, I do that all day long. The thoughts never catch up with me except at night. And I have my myriad of pills for that, too. Still I wonder about mental illness and what it all means to be sick and how to accept it.

Just Today

Last night I wrote about self-worth and now I can’t seem to publish it. So instead of all the mumbo garbage, I will talk about how not having self-worth hurts you. I recently broke a tooth and as I was getting a crown put on, the dentist kept asking me if it was too high, did he need to grind it down some? This was with 2 hands inside my mouth, and he had grinded it 7 million times so I said it was fine. Just to leave. He said if not you’ll have headaches. Now I feel like it is too tall, but I will cope with it. How many times have I not been able to stand up for myself? So many I can’t count and some of the times it was very important to say what was going on. Problem is I don’t know at the time what is going on, it takes days for me to figure it out. And days late. How do I ask for days in deciding? Can I explain it takes days for me to know. Most people are impatient and really don’t care. I don’t ever know how I am feeling unless I am very sick and then I just don’t feel good. How do we find the middle ground?

It used to take me so long to figure it all out and now it is about 3-4 days. So I am always behind. Can we go back and tell the person what is going on now? I need an ambassador to work out these situations…has anyone ever figured out at the time how they feel? How do you do that? Maybe I need the safety of home to work out all the myriad of emotions I do or don’t feel. All I know is I can’t say at the time what is going on, I just don’t KNOW it. I am not being difficult on purpose, I have no clue. If anyone has any ideas please leave a comment and I will use your ideas. I have like good, okay or I don’t care for my emotions now. Are there others?


My New Baby

My husband drove 5 hours one way and we bought a Prevost squirrel from a private zoo. He is very young and learning new things every day. He makes a bird call every morning which means Bring Me My Fruit! He only eats fruit and is very different from any squirrel I have ever had. His name is Tulsi and he would love to meet each of you.

He comes from an Asian Island where there is jungle and these beauties dance among the treetops, can you imagine? He is such a precious baby so scared when he went in his cage. He missed his parents but is doing fine now. I adore him. Here he is!

I GOT A THERAPIST!

Today after months of looking, I found a therapist. One who believes in Complex PTSD, and all my problems. One who did not run screaming from her office, she was calm and listened while I spew out my history.

Today before I went I got to thinking how much I hated this search, how hard it is and why not quit looking? Why not fall down and not rise up again? I have been pushed down so much it feels home on the floor. But I went not believing in anything positive happening because this is Life and Life is Unfair. I have a 6 week waiting period but made 3 appts in a row. She is a trauma specialist, did not judge and took a lot of notes. So I left there lighter than before as if a huge weight was lifted from me and placed on her. I have no idea how capable she is, but she didn’t say “No” like the first seven did.

I have been through hell as of late. I was on medication that I loved and need but it caused severe reactions, it made me fall. The last fall was the third in a week and a bad one. I wouldn’t leave my house, I looked so ghastly. I became fearful in general. Before I could always count on myself and not I could not….was this my new reality? Next time how much worse could it be? I became full of fear as to what now? I haven’t healed from my last fall and its been 2 months. I also have not fallen again, I quit the medication. I am slowly healing. I have some work to do but I have found someone not afraid of my problems and I am so grateful.

I leave you with my favorite poet Shane Koyczan lovely words. Believe them!

And I March…

And this is my eye 1 week later…

We all know I have been waiting for a therapist for 6 months. Seven trials later, I still have nobody. One try is next month and then I start over. My Meds Doctor in best of plans for me put me on Buspar. Now I LOVED Buspar, no moodiness, no tears, no agonizing on the eternal waiting game. Then in 1 week, I fell down 3 times. First, at home I went to put makeup on and the next second I am in the guinea pig’s cage, crushing her walls and she goes running to her little house. I fixed her cage and went to my nowhereland appt. ┬áThe next week was an absolute joy, we went to deliver some cavies and the woman had so many exotic animals, it was so fun to play with them all!

I decided afterwards to drive to a favorite place to eat lunch an hour away. It went fine, and as I was going to my seat, WHAM! I hit a wooden booth. And I went down, Soon all these people were around me, setting me in another chair, blood is pouring down my face. Ice packs and brought and band-aids and everyone wants to know if I am alright. I start to cry just in shock and all ┬áthose strangers touching me, I HATED THAT. We finally got me cleaned up and we started for the ride home. And I asked Joe “What is wrong with me?”

All the way home I cried and held ice to my head. Joe asked why I was crying and I said because all those people around me and I needed to have them back off, not bring me tee-shirts! He said they were all trying to help. What does that mean? I don’t know, I really don’t. My face bled for 3 hours. I figured no vision problems, no seizures, no headache, no Doctor! Two days later and I am unpacking a box and I fell inside of it, with my legs out and no where to grab. I yelled to Joe to come get me out and he picked me up and got me out. And I got to thinking, I am not tripping, nor clumsy. So I looked up the side effects for Buspar and dizziness and lightheaded were listed. That was it!

So I called my Doctor the next day and he told me how to get off of it. And no more falls! I am back to the crying spells, the lack of hope, despair. How do you find someone of quality? This is not easy, this therapist shopping. Will let you know how the next appt. goes, I expect nothing from these people at all. Seven times I have wailed my history (which is gut wrenching) and seven times I have been denied. Most are afraid of me somehow although I have not been violent in so long, and have no connection to my abusers. It is the ugly aftermath they left.

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